Monday, August 10, 2009

Looking Through the Circumstances

Just as I am approaching my mid-twenties and thought the worst was behind me...I entered the real world. You know...the one less understanding, less helpful and far more disappointing at times. Don't get me wrong, though, I would never want to go back to high school (unless I was starring in the sequel to 13 going on 30...) but I would love to only need a part-time job at the cafe again, not have to worry about paying the bills or making sure I had enough gas money to get me from 'point A to point b.' Man...wouldn't that be nice. Everyone seems to be so stressed out all the time and extremely concerned about "Number 1."

May I be so bold as to say that I honestly didn't think I would be stressed out or overwhelmed by the level of expectations I set for myself? Sadly, I was mistaken when I had my first anxiety attack last week. I took that as my first sign that I needed to slow down with everything and that's exactly what I did. I put my laptop away at night, I slept longer, cut my work days from 9-10hrs shifts to 6-8hrs shifts. If I was finished at work, I mingled with the front desk or the guest rather than researching extra work to do for that day. I walked away from the overwhelming gossip and judgmental people a while back which was definitely the best thing I could have done although it did lead me to this point. If I spend time with someone and the only thing there is to talk about is other people to avoid the silence, I don't need to be involved. Some may take it as an insult to walk away from that kind of lifestyle, but I did it for myself. I did it because I don't want that kind of unhappiness in my life.

The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and mild depression...great. It seems everyone is depressed and taking some sort of medication to make them happy, but I wanted to try and change my lifestyle first...and leave the meds as my 'last resort' kinda thing. I am in the process of quitting smoking...holy cow it's a process!! I'm getting outside more and I refuse to stay cooped up in my house all day...the television is so draining! Despite all of these changes I was going to start working on, my fear of going to work each day and facing the judgment and harassment was overwhelming. I could feel the bricks on my chest in the morning and felt relieved when I put the keys in my car to go home. I think it was more fear of fear...or that I was going to have another anxiety attack. I loved what I did, but it didn't make a difference when I was so unhappy because of who I was working with.

The day after I dropped my sister off at the airport to go to college at the University of Southern California (very sad day!), I walked into work 30 minutes early and was fired before my shift even started. Not until I got to my mom's work, did I know that they fired Payton, too. It's an extremely long story, but my blog today is not about the "he-said-she-said" drama rather than the way I am adjusting.

Yes, I was sad to walk away from something I had become comfortable doing over the past 2 years and was blown away that I can be fired whenever someone feels "it's my time." But after those emotions left, I felt so happy. Happy does not even describe the overwhelming excitement I feel about starting a new chapter in my life...a new chapter with someone I adore and who is going through the same thing with me. I walked away from my desk on Friday with a clean conscience and a new outlook on life.

Payton and I went to church on Sunday and the Lord knew exactly what area of my life needed some good ol' preachin' to! The sermon was on 'A Life Worth Watching: Experiencing Joy Despite Circumstances.' I teared up during church and said a quick prayer while I stood up and filed out of the auditorium. All my life I have been looking around the circumstances and disappointments while the whole time I needed to look through them...find my joy...and leave them behind me. My joy was not found at my job nor was it found by the people I was trying to please.

This entire experience has been a blessing in disguise and everything that has happened up to this point is going to lead me somewhere great...I have no doubt as I am maintaining my joy and being the positive person despite my circumstances.

"...I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Phillipians 4:11

1 comment:

Summer said...

oh....sweet Breean!!!

I got goosebumps reading this.

I have totally had issues with mild depression and anxiety, and had my first anxiety attack the night that grandpa passed away.

They are awful and scary, so I totally know.

Go read The Anxiety Cure by Dr Archibald Hart, it's a christian book and incredibly amazing.

Soooo sorry about your job....I'll be praying for you.


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I am a 20-something young woman growing up and experiencing the things my mother warned me about...love, friendship, hard work, disappointment and success.